Thirty four

So here I am, sitting all alone in front of my computer. The house is peaceful and I can almost smell the freshly coated paint, the kids are sleeping and I can hear the baby's breathing three feet away from me, the hubby is not home yet though it's nearing 1am but it's a lifestyle that I've gotten used to, I've had a full day of solo parenting and as usual, had to pick my battles as a mum who's trying to do her best to keep it together day by day. It's a time for me to reminisce, to read my old blog entries, to ponder about life, to rant about things I don't like, to count my blessings for what I do have.

Let's see.

I co-sleep with a tiny being who somehow wakes up every couple of hours, demanding for Mama (or rather, Mama's boobs) before he goes back to sleep. Well, he's no different from the two sisters and from the looks of it, I haven't had a good night's rest for the past 8 years and I likely won't get it for a couple more years.

I can't take a shower or even pee in peace on most days because the baby will uncannily be right behind me and bawl his eyes out should I try to disappear behind the door; the 4-year-old will come up to share a riddle, show me a mosquito bite or sing a song at the top of her voice; the 7-year-old will tell me about how her sister just pinched her or snatched her toy or asked me to sign on her spelling assignment. Yup, always the perfect timing.

I sleep on average four hours a night because I like to spend some me-time in the wee hours for blogging, watching drama serials, having guilt-free suppers and fizzy drinks after the kids are tucked in. However, I have to wake up at 6:30am every weekday to prepare the kids for school and as much as I would like to take naps, the fact that the three kiddos have entirely different schedules makes that hardly attainable on most days.

I am trying so hard to cook more at home after since we moved but truth be told, every time I do that, I have to handle a baby who wants to be carried or thumps on my kitchen door, which has a see-through glass, so hard that he might break it anytime. Then, I also think about all the dishes I have to wash after every meal, the mess on the floor, the leftovers I have to clear and I go for the option of dining out, even if it means lugging three kids out to have unhealthy food.

I refuse to get a helper and we don't even have a part time cleaner too. I do all the laundry, I cook, I wash, I clean, I mop, I look after the kids, I fetch them to and fro, I multi-task every second and I find myself needing more hands, more time, more energy to keep up with what I do. Yup, it might seem like stay-at-home mums have 24 hours a day but the truth is that time is never enough.

I haven't gone out on a couple date with the hubby, let's see, for the past 8 years. Yup, that means ever since we became parents. Well, we did sneak out once to catch a midnight show after the girls slept and the good thing was they didn't wake up to look for us. Still, to go on a romantic couple date and dump the kids in the care of our parents or some other guardian? Never yet. Not even for an hour. Gosh, it's high time, isn't it?

I raise my voice more than I would like to, no matter how much I tell myself to keep my cool. I punish the kids for bad behaviour, I feel the guilt, I lament, I regret. It's like a vicious cycle that I am stuck in, day after day, and I keep asking myself questions like "Was that a little uncalled for? Was it really that bad of them to do that? Couldn't I have thought of a more amiable way to settle it? Why is disciplining them such a challenge? Didn't they tell me it will get better as the kids get older? How can I be a better mum to these precious beings I brought into the world?"

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Yes, life isn't about unicorns and rainbows here. Or anywhere else. That's the cruelty, and also the beauty, of it. We feel pain and sorrow so that we can cherish the joy and laughter. We get crushed so that we can pick ourselves up. We experience bad memories so that we can build good ones on top of them. We go through this roller coaster ride every day but without the downs, there will be no ups.

So, you see, I'm happy to be able to sleep with my baby boy because he makes the best, warmest bolster and the way he snuggles with me and tucks his head in my chest, that is priceless and I know it's a feeling I will deeply miss when I am all alone on my bed next time. He won't need me forever and now that he still does, I jolly well make sure I'm always here for him.

I'm happy that I've mastered the art of bathing myself while bathing the baby and how to pee when the baby is pulling on my pants. Yup, don't laugh because it's true. And on weekends when the hubby is around and feels like he is up to the task of bathing the boy, even if it's just on a couple of good days now and then, I get to take a bath in absolute peace and it feels like I'm in Cleopatra's milk bath.

I'm happy for the nights that I manage to get the kids in bed early and I get to enjoy a couple of hours of me-time. I've been trying to bring forward their bedtimes for a long while and I'm finally seeing progress now that we have our own house. Well, sort of our own house. The in-laws return home at past 9pm every night and previously, this would disrupt the kids' bedtimes because they will be asked to go and eat supper, watch TV or just talk about their day and bedtimes will drag till midnight, especially if the hubby comes back suddenly too. Don't get me wrong, being able to talk to grandparents is a great thing and something which I shouldn't and can't really deprive them of. Still, now that we have a dual key unit, I am able to adjust their bedtimes to slightly earlier and since the hubby has started working OT so often, the kids won't see him anyway and might as well rest early. Yay to more suppers, fizzy drinks and me-time for me!

I'm happy that although I haven't managed to cook every day, I've at least put in enough effort to try out new dishes and the fact that I go to the supermarket every alternate day is proof of it. Plus, the kids are always so supportive and appreciative when they know that Mummy makes them a meal, which is really heartening for me. So yes, I think I need to cut myself some slack and it isn't that terrible to think that on some days, I prefer to go Koufu to eat rather than to thaw the food in my fridge and spend an hour or two to cook and clear up, right? Having to handle three kids in the food court is a whole set of problems but luckily it's one that I'm confident enough to tackle.

I'm happy that we are doing fine without a helper and I don't think I will ever want one. Well, ask me again if I end up with 4 or 5 kids one day. The kids protest whenever I make a casual comment that I will get one, which usually comes when they neglect their duties, forget to clean up after themselves or failed to help out in the chores. Yup, for now, I think we are good and I'm training the girls up to be my best helpers. The good thing is I've learnt to close one eye on a dusty or un-mopped floor (sometimes I mop only once a fortnight or less), windows with stains or floors strewn with toys. Believe me, I have more important things to settle on my plate.

I'm happy that despite the fact that I see so little of the hubby on weekdays, weekends are always reserved for family and our weekends are filled with adventures, fun and joy as we bond as a family. Yes, that is provided he is not out at sea and is able to make time for us. Since I sleep so late every night and he can also thrive with little sleep, we even started watching drama serials on Netflix last month (we finished Iron Fist and are currently watching Shooter). That, to me, is considered quality couple time already and suffices for me to fill up my love tank.

I'm happy that motherhood is constantly a challenge because life will get too boring if it were too easy, right? Being a mum is what my life is mainly about and the truth is, I am still learning every day after nearly eight years of being one. I feel the frustration, I feel the satisfaction, I feel the disappointment, I feel the joy, I feel the anger, I feel the regret, I feel the pain, I feel the excitement - I have always been an emo person and it's amazing how having kids heightened my emotions even more. Having one kid was already hard and now that I have three who have different needs and crave for my attention all at once, it's not going to be smooth-sailing and I know it. Yet, I see how these kids love and care for each other; I see how they bond, how they play, how they kiss, how they laugh; I see how they forgive me even when I feel like the most terrible mum; I see how even our hardest days are filled with joy and love; I see a beautiful past, present and future for us as a family; I go to bed each night feeling a heart full of love to give and has received - and I know, I just know, I am the luckiest person in the whole wide world.

Happy 34th birthday to me.