The hardest of them all

Sometimes, I hear my friends or my readers telling me about how they think I am doing a great job as a mum and how I appear to be holding it together. When that happens, I just wish to tell them one thing - that the truth is far, far away.

As a person who sees the cup as half full in her life, that doesn't mean that the water doesn't spill over or that I don't get cut by a broken glass every now and then. Truth is, I am human. And no human is perfect. I have my fair share of woes in my life and my roller coaster twists, turns and gets inverted just like anyone out there.

When I was going through the Trials and Tribulations linky hosted by Rachel at Catch 40 Winks, I read about the hardship and the arduous experiences that some fellow mums faced. I stopped and asked myself "What's my story?"

There are probably a few things about my life that I could write about. I could write about how it was not easy bringing up a child in a foreign land or how I was devastated with the demise of a dear friend. I could write about my mum's battle with cancer or my miscarriage in Sweden and how it took away a piece of my heart.

But no, I didn't pen down any of those.

What I wish to write today is about the one thing that has brought out the best and yet the very worst in me - Motherhood.

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While I never expect motherhood to be all rainbows and butterflies, I also didn't imagine how difficult this journey would get at times.

Yes, I get to kiss, hug, cuddle, play and laugh with these absolutely gorgeous tiny beings whom I call my children. But they are also the very ones who make me cry, who make me shout at the top of my lungs, who make me want to pull out every strand of my hair, who make me feel like the lousiest person, who make me behave like a ferocious monster I never knew existed in me.

This month has been particularly a challenging one for me.

My soon to be four year old girl has been throwing tantrums at every meal, refusing to eat on her own and feeding her becomes a test of time and patience that I am running out of. Not to mention I now have another baby to take care of. What baffles me is that the teachers in school swear that she usually eats on her own and doesn't need their help, but when it comes to at home or when we dine out, she seems to 'bully' us and would do everything else like sing, play, fidget, run, talk, all except eat. We had tried several methods in an attempt to resolve this.

1) Throw away her food if she doesn't eat
Result: Failed. She wakes up in the middle of the night all hungry and ultimately, we suffer.

2) Deduct the money in her bank account if she wastes food
Result: Failed. Her money is our money after all.

3) Use incentives like sweets and ice cream if she finishes her food
Result: Failed after a few tries. Can't be a long term solution too if you think about tooth decay.

4) No outings or fun trips on weekends if she doesn't eat well during the week
Result: Failed. Unless the hubby and I wish to be cooped up every weekend, which we don't.

5) Let her watch TV while eating
Result: Works at times but is it a good solution? Gets too distracting at times too.

Last but not least, we also resorted to using something which I've always dreaded and despised - the cane.

I remember my mum using it on me countless times as a kid. I hated it, I was scared of it and the sight of it made me shiver. I told myself I would never use this on my kids next time. In Sweden, hitting kids in public is an offense and so we survived the first three years of Angel's life without it. Ok, we do keep a few balloon sticks around the house but we used them more like verbal threats than actual hitting.

Recently, I used the cane on her. Even if I didn't exert that much strength, I still used it. Not once, not twice. But several times when she retaliated against me, when she threw tantrums in the supermarket, when she cried and shrieked, when she refused to eat her lunch, when she acted like that spoilt, bad-tempered girl that I almost couldn't recognise. The fact is, I turned into someone I couldn't recognise either.

I stopped talking to her. I put her in the room. I went to play Candy Crush. I picked up the little sister, hugged and cuddled her. It was almost like I was transferring the love for the big sis to the lil one. Bad, isn't it? I was always afraid that I wouldn't love my second child as much as the first, never did I dream that it would be vice versa. That the second one would be such a sweet child to sleep through the night at two months old, a baby who is always full of giggles and who never fails to cheer me up with her toothless grins. On the other hand, the big sis is getting from bad to worse in her tantrums, giving me bad headaches and breaking my heart. They said two is terrible, for her, three is a lot worse.

I even resorted to threats, yes I call these threats, like saying Mummy doesn't want to stay home and will go work if you don't eat. Which is not how I feel because being a SAHM is my choice and I love it this way. But in times like these, emotions get the better of me and I start uttering all this nonsense, not knowing if the intention is to make her feel sorry for her wrongdoing or to make me feel sorry for myself. Truth is, sometimes I don't even know why I do the things I do.  

With all these thoughts running through my mind, sometimes I start to weep. Badly. Profusely. Incessantly. What more can I do? How can I teach her without ruining our relationship? When can she become a good girl who listens and respects? What did I do wrong as a mum? 
 
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So you see, while motherhood has brought me more rewards and joy than anything else, it is also the biggest challenge I have ever taken on. It seeks to bring out every ounce of love in me, it trains up my patience in the most effective manner, it boggles my mind in the most unexpected way, it spurs me on to explore new depths and heights, and most of all, it is a path of discovering not just my kids, but myself.

Today, I see myself in a whole new light. I am human, I am flawed, I have tears, I feel wrath. While I constantly aim to teach my girl to be a better person, motherhood is a journey whereby we learn together, we forgive together, we improve together and we move forward together.

As for my glass, it spilled a little this week and became a little emptier. Tomorrow, it will be half full again and we will march forward in this learning journey with lessons from the past, joy of the present and anticipation for the future.

Yes, I have a long way to go, a great deal to learn and an infinite space to grow as a mum.

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