My one and only

In the last few weeks, I've been extra cherishing every single moment I get to spend with Angel. To feel her every kiss, to give her a tight bear hug, to cuddle with her in bed, to hold her tiny hand when we are out, to stroke her little face as if she's the most precious gem in the world.

Yes, I am just enjoying time left with my one and only girl.

Things are about to change soon, aren't they?

I suppose it's inevitable that with every new addition to the family, mums will start to wonder how things will be like.

Will I love my second child as much as my first?

Will I be able to spend enough time with both of them?

Will I be neglecting my older child 

because I have a newborn to look after?

Am I being sensitive enough to their needs?

Am I a good mum?

Indeed, some of these questions naturally popped up in my mind too.

After all, Angel and I have spent the first three years of her life abroad and I have to tell you that this bond is like no other. We fought loneliness together, we battled against cold winters, we stuck together every day and night, we laughed and cried as one, and it was her who was beside me every step of the way as I learnt to be a mum.

That overseas experience was one memorable journey we had which made me grow, made me stronger, and of course, made me fall in love with her every day. I didn't have much family or friends in Sweden, but I had her, and that was enough to fill my world with happiness and love. Living in Singapore is a totally different thing, we now have friends and family who are rushing to shower our kids with affection and who can't wait to hold them in their arms. It's not about whether it's a good or bad thing, it's just that things are different now.

Having two kids is also vastly unlike having just one. While we could devote all our time solely to caring for Angel when she was a baby, we now have to consider both spending time with Ariel and yet not neglect Angel's feelings. Like I start to worry how Angel will feel when meimei (little sister) arrives and takes up much of our attention, will she be jealous, will she be sad? Who's going to bathe, cook or take her to the library during my confinement? Will she be ok if meimei wants to tug my hair to sleep just like what she does? How will she react when she sees meimei for the first time?
 

She does say that she is waiting for meimei and that she wanna dote on her, kiss her and even watch me breastfeed her. But as we all know, saying it and doing it can be two totally different things. So yes, I am still making it a point to be extra sensitive to her needs in this period. Nonetheless, I do think it's time for her to have a sibling, time for her to become a big sister and learn to be capable of looking after and showing love for others.

As for the big question of Will I love my second child as much as my first?, it might be easy for me to say yes now and I can only tell you more after I experience it. But I do think that mentality plays a big part and so before we start to worry that our love will diminish, I would rather believe in the equation that when it comes to the love of a mum, this love never minuses or divides; in fact it can only add but best of all, it multiplies.

For as much love as I felt for my first kiddo, or that I keep saying it grows stronger everyday, I believe that there's still plenty of love left in my heart to give to my second. 

Maybe pregnancy is like a miracle of life whereby a seed of love is planted into your body and by the time your baby arrives, this seed has blossomed into a tree and your heart is now overflowing with love to give.

For as much love as I felt for my first kiddo, I mean what's there not to love about her (am I kidding me?), I know that she is going to be a most awesome big sister even if that means she has to learn to give, to share and to compromise along the way. I know, I just know, that I am going to be so proud of her.

For as much love as I felt for my first kiddo, I realise that no matter what happens, she's always going to hold that special place in my heart. Always. It doesn't matter how many kids I end up having, it doesn't matter how old and frail I become, it doesn't matter which part of the globe we live in, so long as we are family, every child will be a treasured and irreplaceable gem in my eyes.

To Angel and Ariel, know that you will forever be my one and onlies and nothing's ever gonna change that. Mummy loves you both just as deeply.

******

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