Sometimes, your fate really isn't in your hands..

The hospital called me today and told me some not-the-end-of-the-world-but-nonetheless-appalling news.

While I thought that the storm was going to blow over after my D&C operation (or at least, I was praying with all my might that it would be so), it now seems like I have yet to cross this hurdle in my life.

The nurse said that they looked at my placenta tissues under the microscope and found some strange matter. "We think that in your pregnancy, a foetus had evolved but at the same time, the placenta had grown into something else," she said to me. I didn't really know what to expect, my hand was trembling while holding the phone, and I was just so scared that something bad was going to happen. They don't usually call me when there's good news, only bad.

So she said they deemed my pregnancy as a molar pregnancy, which is a rare complication. Why don't I get so "lucky" and strike 4D or Toto instead?

A molar pregnancy happens when an egg and a sperm meet at fertilisation, but the cells do not grow in a way that can support a pregnancy. 

In a normal pregnancy, the fertilised egg has 23 chromosomes from the mother and 23 from the father, making a total of 46. In a molar pregnancy the wrong number of chromosomes come together, and there are abnormalities in the cells that grow to form the placenta. 

In my case, a partial molar pregnancy, the fertilised egg has 23 chromosomes from the mother but a duplicated set from the father. This means there are a total of 69 chromosomes instead of the normal 46. This can happen when chromosomes from the sperm are copied or when two sperm fertilise the same egg. There's some normal placental tissue among the cluster of abnormal tissue. The embryo does begin to develop, so there may be a foetus or just some fetal tissue or an amniotic sac. But even if a foetus is present, in most cases it's so abnormal that it can't survive. (Quoted from BabyCenter)

Yes, I already know that my baby did not survive. 

In addition, I've been informed that I need to go back for a series of blood tests to ensure that my hcg levels are dropping adequately. I totally don't mind that, you can take my blood as you please, so long as I can lead my normal life back. Next, I was also told that I need to go for a X-ray because in some cases, the cells can spread via the blood to other organs, including the lungs, liver and brain which can mean potential danger for me. Ok, I can only keep my fingers crossed on that one.

As if there wasn't enough, she also told me the news that I really didn't want to hear. I wasn't allowed to get pregnant for the next half a year to one year. Whaaaatttt????

I was so determined to start trying for my no.2 again once my menses came back. I even bought ovulation test kits and a basal thermometer! I was so sure that we would succeed again soon and my no.2 might have somewhat the same birthday month as Angel so we could celebrate their birthdays together next time. I was so committed and planned on making my dragon baby again, A-S-A-P.

Well, ideally I wanted my kids to be two years apart, it didn't happen. Now I am hoping it could be three years, it's not going to happen too. The best I can hope for now is four years. The thing is, I think I should stop hoping for anything and just let nature take its course. Easier said than done though. It's so hard to accept the harsh reality when I am always a dreamer living in my ideal world. It's so hard knowing that my fate doesn't lie in my hands this time round and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Yes, I know I shouldn't complain so much because I've had a perfect first pregnancy and a perfect baby already. But try to put yourself in my shoes now and you might perhaps understand a teeny bit of the loss, fear, disappointment and distress feeling in my heart.

That said, I just have to go up and face reality for now. I know I should be praying for a smooth X-ray and good blood test results instead of mourning on the fact that I can't have unprotected sex for the next year. But to be frank, it's the latter that hurts me more because that means I can't make another cute, cuddly baby. Yet.

If there's anything I could wish for to vanish from this earth, it would be abnormal pregnancies and miscarriages. I just can't bear to think of another mother suffering the fate of losing her precious baby again. But I know I can't, it's nature's way of handling things and there's a reason for all this to happen. It'd better be a jolly good reason though.

To all the mums or mums-to-be who had faced similar situations as me, let's just know that we are not alone and may we give each other strength to tide through even the hardest and most unbearable moments. I know it's been said before, but sometimes we really can't control our fate and we can only hope for the best next time round. So, let's hang in there, yeah?