When my heart stood still

I never knew that my heart could stop.

I mean, I did know that it does weird things.

It goes into a flutter and beats rapidly when I'm giving a speech, when I'm at a job interview and when I'm waiting to receive my examination results.

It beats somewhat erratically and bizarrely when I see a darn cute guy, when I'm doing a ultrasound scan and when I'm watching "Scream".

It goes a little slower when I'm taking a saunter in the park, when I'm having a relaxed bath and when I listen to soothing lullabies.

However, it was only until few days ago that I learnt how my heart could stand still. I mean, seriously, it S-T-O-P-P-E-D.

Just to prove that I wasn't hallucinating, it happened not just once, but twice.

The first occurred on our first night in Kiruna when we were on a snowmobile tour in search of the elusive Northern lights. It was around -25°C and not to mention that the cold winds were howling into our faces from the start to the end of the ride. Of course, since Angel was not allowed to ride on the snowmobile, we took turns to be with her in a sleigh which was pulled along by our tour guide. Although it was equipped with reindeer skin (supposedly one of the best insulation materials on earth), it probably wasn't the most enjoyable or comfortable night out for my little girl.

We were out in the cold for a total of over 6 hours, with only a 1.5-hour break in between for a campfire dinner in a hut. By the time we reached, we had probably endured the freezing temperatures for at least 3 hours. Well, basically Angel slept throughout most of the journey since there was nothing much she could do when she was wrapped in six layers of clothing, nestled up in reindeer skin and held tightly in my arms.

When we finally got into the hut, let's just say she was motionless. Jw asked me "Is she sleeping?" and I muttered "Should be, what else?" Well, then I got a little scared. I tried to listen for her breathing and see if her chest was rising but honestly, I couldn't be sure.

"Ok, let's wake her up" I said, and so jw and I took turns to whisper in her ear. Then we spoke louder when she didn't respond. And louder. And louder. I almost shrieked. Then I tried to part her lips, play with her cheeks and was hoping for at least some sort of reaction.

Still, nothing.

That was when my heart skipped a beat. No, actually, it was many beats.

Jw and I got petrified. I couldn't even start to imagine how it would be like if my baby had frozen because we wanted to see the Northern lights. I mean, I probably would just kill myself by digging a hole in the snow and burying myself up.

Thank goodness she finally let out a sound of frustration. Yes, for once, I actually miss her crying! I have to feel so proud of her for being the bravest, youngest kid and for surviving the gruelling ride which will no doubt be one of the most memorable nights of my life.

So, the Northern lights were really spotted that night near where we were as I read online afterwards. A dancing, vibrant display of beautiful green lights. Alas we didn't see it cos' our side was too cloudy. But you know what, so what if I didn't see it? It would definitely have been a dream come true to witness it after coming so far, but give me a choice, I'll never wanna put my baby through another 6-hour ride in the snow-covered forests and frozen rivers. All I want is a safe and smiling baby on a family vacation where all of us can laugh, enjoy and be happy.

Anyway, jw and I have a dream of touring the world when we retire, just the two of us, and that's when I swear I will come back in search of you, Aurora Borealis.

Moving on, the second time my heart stopped happened yesterday when we were driving back home from Stockholm. Guess what? We had our very first car accident.

The roads were icy, slippery and all covered in snow and it was probably one of the toughest journeys jw had ever experienced. All of a sudden, the car skidded, the tyres locked and we lost control of the wheel. The car swerved to the left where it hit the road divider, then veered sharply to the right where we hit another divider, then to the left and to the right again.

Once again, my heart stopped and I wondered if my whole life was going to flash before me. But no, I wasn't much concerned about myself. I was worried about Angel and I feared to think that my baby was going to come to harm and there was nothing else I could do except to hold her tight and pray.

Then, after four hits, jw miraculously managed to stop the car. The bumper came off, the car was badly dented and the tyre was punctured. Soon, things got into a frenzy as passers-by stopped to help us, and before we knew it, the ambulance, fire engine and the police had arrived at the scene.

Luckily, other than suffering a couple of minor knocks on our heads, all three of us were fine. Yes, thank goodness Angel was ok.

It could have been much worse, like if the car had skidded and turned 360 degrees or worse, if it had overturned which it probably would if there were no road divider (there wasn't any, just a little further up from where we skidded) and we were headed for the snow slopes.

It made jw and I shudder. Really. We called it a blessing in disguise that we emerged safe and sound, and that was all that mattered.

So, I concluded that the only time my heart would stand still was when I feared that my baby was hurt. Yes, it's a mummy's heart that I'm talking about. And no, it wasn't a pleasant feeling at all and I'm not hoping to go through it again but I guess inevitably, all mums experience it at one point or another.

In any case, let's all just try our best to keep our kids out of harm's way, yeah?

P/S: I'll be back with some awesome pics of the Icehotel and write-up on Kiruna, so stay tuned!